We are Family
As a parent, if you’re stressed and fearful and your emotions are clearly visible to your children, they will pick up on them very easily. Children are very good at imitating our behaviour, so as parents, we tried to demonstrate positive coping skills, hoping they would instil in Natasha and Alex confidence and encourage them to do the same.
Alex was almost 2 ½ years younger than Natasha and it was incredibly important to us that he would also learn the safety strategies that we had put in place to keep his sister safe from a possible allergic reaction. It was therefore a relief to see how as a young child he fully understood that certain foods were dangerous to his sister.
We would try to replace the fear of food allergies with empowerment by making sure that both Natasha and Alex understood the signs of an allergic reaction and what to do in an ‘emergency’ and we would always try to focus on safety and never fear. We had rules about handwashing for instance and I remember only too well how from the age of about six years onwards, when a friend or friends came to play with Alex after school, as soon as they walked into our home, Alex would march them into the kitchen to wash their hands and would watch to make sure they were washed ‘properly’. If a friend objected that his hands were already clean, Alex would patiently explain that he had to wash them nevertheless because of possible allergen cross-contamination dangers to Natasha. All his friends adored Natasha and once explained, they would never object again on future playdate visits, going straight into the kitchen to wash their hands without even being asked!
Natasha loved horses and when she was nine years old she got a place with a charity called Horse Rangers that taught children living in cities all about horsemanship; not only how to ride horses but also how to groom them and muck-out stables etc. Every Saturday morning, she and I had an early start and we wouldn’t get home until after lunchtime. Alex’s father took this opportunity to give Alex special father/son time, where allergies weren’t part of the equation. So every Saturday morning after football or cricket, they would go off together, trying different pizza houses, searching for the perfect pizza – always followed by ice-cream. We didn’t keep pizza and ice-cream in the house because of Natasha’s allergies, so these excursions were a huge treat for Alex. And Natasha thought they were a great idea too. She LOVED Horse Rangers and wouldn’t have given it up for all the pizza and ice-cream in the world but she loved hearing their thoughts on the latest pizza house they had visited and whether it had been a success or not.
We completely understand that it was sad at times for Natasha knowing that Alex could eat anything he wanted, without any danger, but he was always very sensitive to how she might be feeling, especially when she asked him what something tasked like. She asked him once what chocolate tasted like, and he wrinkled his nose and said, “It’s not that great really.” I’m not sure that she believed him but in that moment, she was grateful for his answer.
Our children are beautifully unique and different to each other. Making sure food allergies don’t define an allergic child is hugely important and as parents we are responsible for setting the tone for building confidence and coping mechanisms. It’s a big responsibility, not easy and often learned over time, as no one starting-off on the ‘allergic journey’ is ever fully prepared. If one child in the family has food allergies, it of course affects everyone else, but it’s incredible how children are often more accepting than even adults, and learning and understanding how to keep your brother or sister safe, plants special seeds of maturity, empathy and compassion.
A sibling to an allergic brother or sister will often understand their needs, better than anyone.